


Reminiscence Of The Red Lotus

by Shiragiku_Ookami



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ancient Chinese Era, Basically enough time for you to do your duty on the toilet, But I'm not really good at this angsty stuff, Falling In Love, Four Seasons, Kageyama is a graceful dancer, M/M, Oikawa is super oblivious, Pining, Short Story, So a tad angst, mabye, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-07-28 08:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7632568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shiragiku_Ookami/pseuds/Shiragiku_Ookami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spring - A Chance Meeting<br/>Summer - Realization of Adoration<br/>Autumn - Falling Into Despair<br/>Winter - Silence</p><p>Kageyama takes on the incarnation of the beautiful red lotus and resides in a palace's water garden. He has a chance meeting with one of the princes and through the four seasons finds himself steadily falling for him. Yet, as the story of the garden goes, there was never a happy ending, to begin with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YeTfOyHXIY)is some music to fit the mood of this first chapter. Please give it a listen as you read!

Kageyama felt his body warm as it began to manifest in the early spring sun. His eyes slowly opened and he found that he was underwater, looking up to see the rays of the sun penetrating the water above him. He could not exactly remember what had happened yesterday, or if there was even a yesterday, but all he knew was that it was not the time for him to rise yet. Curling in on himself, Kageyama found that he was naked. As his eyes closed, a soothing melody reached his ears lulling him back to sleep.

The next day, Kageyama awoke to warmer rays and he began to swim to the surface. His head reached the air and he sucked in a large breath. Looking down, Kageyama found himself adorned in a long red robe with sleeves that reached beyond his arms. A white ribbon wrapped around his midsection with its ends securing in a bow at his back and the excess trailing to the floor. The top was loose enough to reveal his shoulders, but the material was stiff and kept its shape. On his ears were red lotus flowers that kept his long hair back, and a single string of red beads circled the top of his head.

Kageyama floated above the water among the lily pads that carried red lotuses and ran his hands through his long tresses. Two long sections of hair at the sides of his head grew below his waist, while he sported shorter hair at the back of his head. He suddenly jerked his head towards the direction that a familiar melody came from before closing his eyes and losing himself in it.

Above the water lilies was a water pavilion. Its banisters and railings were all red, as well as the bridges that connected to it. The wood designs curved and curled into intricate flowers and birds. Kageyama found himself amazed at the detail.

Swimming over to the pavilion and peeking through the railings, Kageyama spotted a breathtakingly handsome man playing a zither. The man had long light brown hair that came down to the floor. His hair was pulled back in a half up do by a red ribbon. Curly bangs framed his face as he focused on playing the melody that Kageyama had quickly come to love. The man was wearing a long white cover up over his red robe, making Kageyama look to his own clothing.

Eventually, Kageyama leaned his arms against the floor of the pavilion, laying his head down as he enjoyed the music. His eyes closed, and he almost did not notice when the man had stopped playing. Looking up, Kageyama briefly met the surprised gaze of the man before he let go of the pavilion and dove back into the water hiding. His heart was beating fast upon letting himself be seen by the man, and he stayed under water even as the man came to the railing.

Kageyama only surfaced after the man took his leave. He peeked into the pavilion once again and saw the zither that the man had been playing. His heart suddenly warmed and he touched his cheeks. Kageyama was curious about the man and why he came here to play such beautiful music alone.

The next day, Kageyama was waiting for the man to come. He carefully kept himself hidden in the water foliage as the man entered the pavilion. Kageyama noticed that the man looked around before heading over to the zither. Waiting until the man was lost in his playing, Kageyama finally ventured to the pavilion’s railing, watching him with rapt attention.

The melody was so beautiful. It filled Kageyama with warm emotions and he quickly but quietly swam to one of the bridges before gracefully pulling himself out of the water. His clothing seemed to shine in the sunlight, and the dampness seemed to flow away with the wind. He softly walked into the pavilion, leaning on the frame of the entrance as he watched the man’s playing.

Closing his eyes, an urge came over Kageyama and he swept inside, gracefully swaying his arms to the music as he spun around. His feet made almost no noise as he elegantly lifted to the balls of his feet, the melody coursing through him. When he spun, Kageyama truly resembled the blooming beauty that is the red lotus.

Kageyama opened his eyes once the music stopped, and he gently lowered his arms turning so that his back was facing the man. He looked over his shoulder to see that the man was gazing at him in wonderment. Kageyama offered a shy smile before he hurried to the edge of the pavilion, diving into the water and hiding.

* * *

 

Kageyama began to perform for the man every day, though he could not do so for very long as he weakened after a time. During one of Kageyama’s performances, the man stopped short which resulted in Kageyama also pausing. Kageyama turned to look at the man questioningly.

“Why did you stop?” Kageyama asked, his head tilting to the side causing his tresses to follow.

“You are beautiful,” the man replied.

Kageyama covered his mouth as he blushed, his long sleeves doing well to make sure that only a hint of pink could be visible from his cheeks.

“Will you tell me your name?” the man asked, smiling gently as he continued to gaze upon Kageyama.

“My name is Kageyama Tobio,” Kageyama answered, keeping his hand only slightly over his mouth.

The man’s smile widened. “Well, my name is Oikawa Tooru,” he introduced, crossing an arm over his chest as he bowed in his sitting position. Looking up, Oikawa asked, “May I call you Tobio?”

Kageyama felt his heart clench as he nodded. Before any more conversation could be made, he hurried back to the water with Oikawa calling out a goodbye to him.

That night, as Kageyama floated amongst the lily pads and red lotuses, he sullenly thought about how Oikawa was devastatingly attractive. He twirled a strand of his hair around his finger as he looked up into the night sky. Stars dotted the blackness and gave accompanying light to the moon. As his eyes drifted close, Kageyama thought how nice it must be for the moon to always be surrounded and to never be alone.

* * *

 

During the next week, Kageyama found himself very tired after one of his performances, and gently plopped himself onto the floor of the pavilion. He watched as Oikawa played a short but pretty tune before meeting his gaze. Kageyama felt himself blush and he looked away, pretending to be immersed in a couple of birds that flew over the garden.

“I am guessing you like the way I play,” Oikawa said casually. He crossed his legs and placed his hands in his lap, smiling at Kageyama.

Kageyama huffed a little, thinking that Oikawa was a bit full of himself. “I will admit that it is very good,” he replied.

This time, Oikawa looked off into the garden, his eyes seeming devoid of their usual like. “What do you like about my playing?” Oikawa asked softly, resting his chin on his hand.

“I find your playing to be very…passionate,” Kageyama started, his tone thoughtful. He took no notice of Oikawa’s surprise and instead continued on with his musings. “The way your fingers pluck at the strings is calming, and the face you make when you play shows me that you really enjoy making music.”

Kageyama looked at Oikawa and blushed furiously when he saw that Oikawa was laughing. He hastily rose to his feet, sweeping his gown along with him. “I do not appreciate you jesting with me,” Kageyama said before heading towards the edge of the pavilion.

Oikawa stopped his laughing and immediately stood up as well. “Wait!” he called out, but Kageyama had already dived back into the water.

Kageyama pouted in the depths expecting Oikawa to leave but was surprised to see Oikawa leaning over the pavilion. He was quick to hide among the lily pads and stare at Oikawa. Biting his lip, he asked himself why he was bothered by how sad Oikawa looked.

“Tobio!” Oikawa called out over the water. “I was only chuckling because I was surprised by your answer.” Oikawa leaned on the railing, letting one hand down as if it was reaching for the water. “I have never had anyone tell me my playing was passionate before,” he murmured, still gazing into the water.

Kageyama sighed, watching his bubbles rise to the surface of the water before deciding that he had acted too hastily. Carefully, Kageyama allowed himself to appear among the red lotuses in the line of sight of Oikawa. He watched the surprise that gathered in Oikawa’s eyes.

“Tobio,” Oikawa softly called out. “Thank you.”

Kageyama found that he had once again brought up his sleeve to cover part of his face. He glanced at Oikawa’s smile before averting his gaze to the water’s reflective surface. Kageyama had little to no idea of how he should reply.

“Please come dance for me tomorrow,” Oikawa said, making a puppy face in hopes of persuading Kageyama.

Kageyama gazed at Oikawa from over his sleeve, feeling his heart beat faster. “If it will please you,” he finally replied.

“It will,” Oikawa said, nodding his head.

* * *

 

The next day, Kageyama surfaced early as he waited for Oikawa to arrive at the pavilion. He leaned against the pavilion’s fence, listening to the voices of the red lotuses. They spoke of how they enjoyed the warmer rays of the sun and Kageyama agreed with them. They also spoke of being born from the absence of the cold season, which confused Kageyama. He did not know of this colder season, but according to the lotuses, this “cold season” brought death to all the greenery.

He was so preoccupied with the lotuses’ conversation, Kageyama failed to hear Oikawa approaching. Kageyama was only alerted when Oikawa began to pluck at the zither. As Oikawa played, Kageyama allowed himself a few moments to just sit and enjoy the music before he rose to his feet. Kageyama caught Oikawa’s gaze and could not help but smile shyly as he spun around, his sleeves gently flowing with both his movements and the breeze.

As the tune neared its final notes, Kageyama decided to make a bold move, and he approached Oikawa before gently sitting before him and his zither. He watched as Oikawa looked up in surprise. Closing his eyes, Kageyama hummed along with the zither his body making smooth small sways the side.

“The way you dance is so elegant,” Oikawa complimented.

Kageyama opened his eyes, flushing when he met Oikawa’s intense stare. “T-Thank you,” he muttered, folding his hands in his lap.

Oikawa sighed happily before leaning back on his hands. “I have not been made this happy in a long time, Tobio,” he admitted as he gazed at the ceiling of the pavilion’s roof.

“Why is that?” Kageyama asked, blinking a few times in confusion.

“It is because I am a prince,” Oikawa said. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “I have duties to attend to, honors to uphold, and tasks to fulfill.”

Kageyama sat still and straightened his spine, holding an attentive ear to Oikawa.

“My daily life outside the garden is so busy,” he murmured as he leaned forward to pull back his hair.

“I hope I am not an unnecessary obligation,” Kageyama said softly, a look of doubt crossing his face.

“No, no, Tobio,” Oikawa said sternly. He shook his head for emphasis. “Never think that.” Oikawa looked Kageyama straight in the eyes as he said, “You are one of my only friends and I enjoy coming out here every day for your company.”

Kageyama flushed at Oikawa’s words. “You too…” whispered Kageyama.

“I’m sorry, Tobio, I did not catch that,” Oikawa said, smiling at Kageyama’s flustered state.

Kageyama looked off to the side furiously debating if he should clarify what he said. Instead, he stubbornly shook his head and stood up, alarming Oikawa. Kageyama looked down at Oikawa before saying, “Tomorrow. I will you see you tomorrow.”

“Of course,” Oikawa replied standing up too, but Kageyama had already left. “Tomorrow,” he repeated as he moved to look out over the garden’s lake.

“Tomorrow.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! Thank you very much for reading this first chapter! I will be trying to keep up a formal tone so I will not be using contractions for this story. Also, please do give the music a listen, as I feel that it sets the mood for the story. For this particular work, I will be leaving a song at the beginning of each chapter. 
> 
> This is also something that I want to finish before I start college, so thank you very much for the support!


	2. Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vindWE_XnWs)is some music to fit the mood of this chapter. Please give it a listen as you read!

In the time that Kageyama spent with Oikawa, spring soon transitioned to summer, and the two were met with longer, warmer days. The water garden was rife with life, boasting a backdrop of deep greens and multi-colored blooms. Kageyama enjoyed these warmer days, though, he found that he had begun to enjoy the company of Oikawa most of all. It scared him how attached he became to Oikawa and he longed for the prince every time they parted.

Everyday Kageyama danced for Oikawa and everyday Kageyama was granted to opportunity to watch and listen to Oikawa play. Kageyama enjoyed making Oikawa smile, finding that each time the expression was directed at him, his heart soared. These days, Kageyama found that his strength to dance seemed everlasting and he was thankful for it as it allowed him to spend longer moments with Oikawa.

However, one day, as Kageyama approached the pavilion, he found that Oikawa was already waiting for him. Kageyama quietly surfaced and watched Oikawa. Instead of busying himself with his zither, Oikawa was sitting before a small table with a large parchment laid out on it. There were small inkpots on one side of the table and brushes on the other. Curious, Kageyama softly approached Oikawa, doing his best to not disturb his work.

“What are you doing?” Kageyama finally asked, sitting beside Oikawa even though the action made his heart flutter dangerously.

Oikawa paused in his work and turned his head to smile at Kageyama. “I am painting,” he answered.

Kageyama tried to keep his neutral expression and moved his gaze to Oikawa’s painting. His eyes were amazed at the detail and flowing strokes that Oikawa had created. In his admiration, Kageyama was surprised to see that the painting was a spitting image of the water garden and there was something else that caught his eye.

“Oikawa-san,” Kageyama said, tilting his head slightly. “What is this over here?”

Oikawa sat back and winked at Kageyama. “This will be you.”

Kageyama felt his lower jaw go slack but he quickly closed his mouth before looking away. “W-Why…?” he asked, his hands clenching in his lap. Kageyama immediately looked back to Oikawa when he felt a hand on his own.

“Like I told you before,” Oikawa started. “I think you are beautiful.”

Cheeks flushing, Kageyama used his free hand to cover his face.

“Would you prefer me to not paint you?” Oikawa suddenly asked, though there was a smile in his eyes.

“N-No, please continue,” Kageyama said, making tiny shakes with his head.

Kageyama was a little relieved but almost very disappointed when Oikawa retracted his hand to return to painting. He watched closely as Oikawa used various brushes and colors to create himself. Oikawa was painting him among the red lotus flowers fittingly. Occasionally, he would see Oikawa glance at him from the corner of his eyes. Kageyama was flattered by the attention and longed for even more but he made sure to keep his desires in check.

Kageyama’s gaze drifted to watch a pair of ducks enter the water. The two looked as if they were bonded and Kageyama could not help but feel envious. He made a slight jolt when he felt a hand tucking back a strand of his hair behind his ear. Kageyama met Oikawa’s gaze and felt as if he had melted. He watched as Oikawa gently picked up a strand of hair, pulling it towards him as he kissed the strand gently.

Kageyama broke away his gaze from Oikawa’s as he looked at the floor between them. “Oikawa-san?”

“Sorry,” Oikawa apologized, letting the strand slip from his hand. “I was distracted.”

Shaking his head once again, Kageyama quickly replied, “It’s fine.”

Oikawa returned to his painting and Kageyama was content to watching the expressions that Oikawa made during his work. From what he could see, Oikawa eyes grew intense when he was painting the tiny details of the lotus flowers behind his ear, but turned dreamy when painting the folds of his gown. Kageyama shifted slightly to a more comfortable position, his heart enjoying the close proximity that he shared with Oikawa.

A little over an hour passed before Oikawa declared his work finished. Kageyama gazed at the beautiful image, staring at himself most of all. It really did look like himself and Kageyama could not help but wonder if this was how Oikawa saw him. The pavilion was painted off on the left side and Oikawa had also painted the bridges connecting to it. Trees bordered the background and the water seemed to glimmer as if it were really shining in the light. As Kageyama continued gazing at the painting, he was truly flattered.

Oikawa looked far off as he fingered a corner of the painting. “I am sorry for taking up your time,” he said softly. “I selfishly acted because I wanted to bring you back to the palace with me, but this will be the closest thing.”

Kageyama’s eyes widened before saying, “No, I do not mind.” He waited until Oikawa turned to him before adding, “Seeing you paint was…it was mesmerizing.”

Kageyama watched a small smile tug at the corner of Oikawa’s lips. He wanted to do more for Oikawa. It hurt him to see Oikawa looking so lost.

“Are you faring well at the palace?” Kageyama suddenly asked, turning so that his body now faced Oikawa.

A small group of birds flew over the pavilion, casting their shadows over the glimmering water. Their songs to each other flowed through the air and carried along the breeze. Kageyama briefly followed their flight through the sky.

Oikawa sighed and shook his head. “My brothers are fighting over the throne,” he admitted, his tone quiet, almost dejected. “My father claims he will pass soon and an heir needs to be decided.”

Kageyama must have made a sorrowful expression for immediately Oikawa seemed to retract his words.

“No, please,” Oikawa practically begged, reaching out to gently take both of Kageyama’s hands. “Do not make such a sad expression.” He held tight to Kageyama’s hands. “I only want to share pleasant memories with you,” he softly admitted, a strand of his hair falling forward.

This time, Kageyama pulled one of his hands from Oikawa’s grasp to tuck back his loose strand of hair. Kageyama gently cupped Oikawa’s cheek. “Please share your grief with me,” Kageyama whispered, doing his best to keep Oikawa’s gaze. “After all, I am your…friend.”    Kageyama was surprised at how much the word hurt him, but it was for Oikawa’s sake.

Oikawa placed his hand over the one Kageyama had on his cheek. “I do not wish to worry you,” he sighed, leaning into Kageyama’s touch.

“I will worry regardless,” Kageyama countered, smiling at his own stubbornness.

“Then,” Oikawa began, his eyes still closed. “Please dance for me before I leave for the day.”

Kageyama pulled his hand away, thinking that he had felt Oikawa tighten his grip for a second but brushed away the thought. He rose to his feet and spun to the center of the pavilion.

“Of course.”

* * *

 

Kageyama sat among the lily pads, his fingertips trailing the water around him. He watched the ripples dance away from his movements, the small waves catching the sun’s light and shining at his eyes. Sighing, he looked off into the sky, gazing at the fluffy clouds that floated by.

He was in love.

Kageyama was in love but he did not have the heart to tell nor even mention it to Oikawa, his object of affection. His heart pained every time he saw Oikawa and cried every time Oikawa left. His nights were filled with a loneliness that not even the red lotuses could cure. Kageyama grew more and more jealous of the moon on starry nights, wishing that like the stars, he could accompany Oikawa.

It was not as if Oikawa had become more distant, but Kageyama could tell that the prince was very troubled over his familial disputes. If Kageyama could, he would settle the problem and invite Oikawa to stay with him all day, but Kageyama sorely lacked the power to do so. He did the best he could to cheer up Oikawa and performed every day for him if Oikawa allowed. Kageyama simply desired Oikawa’s time and attention.

The days were still warm, but Kageyama found that they were shortening. It saddened him that it resulted in shorter moments spent with Oikawa. Yet on this particular day, Kageyama found himself tiring and before he knew it, he had laid amongst the red lotuses, sinking into the water. His eyes closed and Kageyama drifted to sleep.

Upon awakening, Kageyama was shocked to find that the sun was near setting. He immediately surfaced and looked towards the pavilion not quite seeing if Oikawa was there. His heart beat rapidly thinking that Oikawa might have thought that he had left him. Kageyama swam over and peeked in, a loud sigh of relief escaping his lips as he saw that Oikawa was there. Oikawa was sleeping against one of the pavilion’s beams, looking peaceful in the sun’s disappearing rays. His brown hair pooled around, glowing in the sunlight and making Kageyama think of Oikawa as angelic.

Kageyama looked back to the water and scooped up a red lotus, keeping it safe in his hand as he surfaced and entered the pavilion. Making sure his footsteps were muted, Kageyama approached Oikawa. He kneeled before him, watching the soft rise and falls of Oikawa’s chest. Tenderness overcame him and Kageyama reached out to trace Oikawa’s jaw, stopping to then trace the shape of his lips.

Kageyama immediately jerked his hand away when Oikawa’s eyes sleepily opened. His heart swelled when he saw the sudden contentment that crossed Oikawa’s gaze.

“You came,” Oikawa breathed, straightening his back as shook his head from sleep’s grasp.

Nodding, Kageyama held out the lotus for Oikawa. “For you,” Kageyama said, knowing that his cheeks were dusted with pink.

Oikawa smiled as he gently took the lotus from Kageyama’s hands. “Thank you,” he murmured, fingering one of the petals between his fingers. “It is lovely.”

“I am glad,” Kageyama replied, reaching up to tuck back his hair.

“I will cherish it for as long as I can,” Oikawa stated, holding the lotus close to his chest. “I need more things to remind me of you.”

Kageyama blushed but then his expression turned to one of worry. “Your father…” Kageyama started, trailing off in question.

“He is alive and well for the time being,” Oikawa answered, looking almost grateful for Kageyama’s concern. Oikawa reached for Kageyama’s hand, grasping it and gently running his thumb over the back of it.

“You are still bothered about something,” Kageyama pointed out, taking the time to squeeze Oikawa’s hand in an attempt to offer comfort.

Oikawa sighed and closed his eyes, his head falling back on the beam.

“Please tell me,” Kageyama pleaded, now taking Oikawa’s one hand in both of his. He gazed at Oikawa’s face until his eyes opened.

Oikawa suddenly leaned forward and close to Kageyama.

Resisting the urge to move back, Kageyama stared at Oikawa curiously. “Yes?”

“Your eyes remind me of the water,” Oikawa said, smiling at Kageyama’s blush. “They are gorgeous.”

Kageyama swatted Oikawa playfully and the two fell into laughter. He wiped at his eyes and gazed lovingly at Oikawa, deciding that Oikawa’s laughter was a beautiful sound meant to be heard by the world. Kageyama was sure that his laugh would do well in enlightening others.

“My father,” Oikawa started after he had calmed down, his expression turning solemn. “My father wants me to take the throne.”

Kageyama cocked his head, thinking that he should be happy for Oikawa but knew that Oikawa probably did not want to partake in such a duty. He looked at the lotus in Oikawa’s lap before saying, “It is not something you want.”

Oikawa looked at Kageyama, surprise showing on his face. “Yes, you are right,” he sighed. “I am not the oldest, but my father sees me the fittest for the position and my brothers are vexed about it.”

Kageyama nodded, staying quiet as he listened.

“They are trying to convince my father to change his mind, but he will not listen to them,” Oikawa explained. He turned to Kageyama, looking guilty. “I hate the idea of burdening you.”

Kageyama averted his gaze, his fists clenching. He wanted to tell Oikawa that he was in love with him, that he wanted to _share_ the burdens that Oikawa was experiencing if only to relieve Oikawa’s worries for a second. He wanted to embrace Oikawa, to offer him physical comfort and he wanted to share more intimate moments with him, but Kageyama held his tongue. He pushed his longings deep within him before meeting Oikawa’s gaze.

“It is fine,” Kageyama said, shaking his head gently. “After all, I am your friend.”

Oikawa’s gaze softened as he reached for Kageyama’s hand once more.

“Yes, thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the next chapter might be an emotional rollercoaster, but who knows? ;)


	3. Autumn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5qhNRmMilI)is some music to fit the mood of this chapter. Please give it a listen as you read!

Kageyama gazed at the red lotuses around him. He could barely hear their voices. As the long summer days passed by, as the days grew shorter and the nights longer, Kageyama felt himself growing weak. It was not as if the change was not alluring. In fact, Kageyama thought the transition from green to bright shades of oranges, reds, and yellows was more than simply appealing. He had watched as the deep green leaves began to stain with yellow before they began to lose all their green. The new scenery made him want to dance much more.

Kageyama did admit, though, that the water had become more chilly and he more sleepy. Like now, if he strained his ears, he could hear the lotuses murmuring their goodbyes and their songs of the end. It frightened him, for he had yet to confess his feelings for Oikawa, still scared to ruin the precious friendship that they now had. Kageyama smiled to himself. He felt that he had almost become used to the heavy, painful feeling that rested within his heart.

Exiting the water, Kageyama sat in the pavilion, waiting for Oikawa to arrive as he usually did. He was eager to become lost in Oikawa’s music and to dance and enjoy time with him. His mind was worried. _Was their time together running out?_

The sound of soft footfalls led his gaze to the bridge where Oikawa was, making his way over to the pavilion. Kageyama felt himself smile, a smile that allowed his teeth to show. Oikawa entered the pavilion and bowed before Kageyama, looking up to meet his gaze.

“May I have the honor of witnessing your performance, Tobio?” Oikawa asked, his tone lofty but full of admiration.

Kageyama elegantly rose to his feet and nodded. “Yes, you may.”

Oikawa returned Kageyama’s smile as he rested next to his zither.

Kageyama let the gentle breeze caress his face as he waited for the first notes of Oikawa’s song to be played. As the sounds vibrated through the air, Kageyama swept his arms forward, his sleeves flowing along with his movements. A little less than halfway through the song, Kageyama felt his chest tightened. His lungs burned. He managed to keep the pain at bay for a little longer, but much too soon he found himself falling to the floor. The sound alerted Oikawa who immediately ran over to Kageyama.

“Tobio! Tobio, are you alright?” Oikawa asked, kneeling next to Kageyama and then helping him to a sitting position.

Kageyama could not meet Oikawa’s eyes. His chest rose and fell heavily with each breath he took. Now that he ceased his movements, the pain in his lungs began to recede. Reaching out to hold Oikawa’s hand, he finally tilted his head so he could meet the other’s eyes.

“I am sorry,” Kageyama apologized, attempting to pull his hand away but Oikawa kept hold of it.

“Is there something wrong?” Oikawa asked. His brows furrowed as he looked over Kageyama, noting that the other was paler than usual.

Kageyama shook his head and offered Oikawa a small smile. “Mmm, I am just a little tired.”

“Please tell me when you cannot perform,” Oikawa pleaded, his eyes still holding their worry. “I do not want you to injure yourself.”

“I will,” Kageyama whispered. He squeezed Oikawa’s hand as his gaze fell to the ground.

* * *

 

After that day, Kageyama began to see less and less of Oikawa. He would wait in the pavilion, eyes hopefully watching the bridges, the walkways, anything he could see of the palace. However, days passed and Oikawa still had not shown up. Kageyama now refused to enter the pavilion, as it seemed the memories that he had with Oikawa there haunted him. Instead, he floated along the wilting red lotuses. Most of the time, Kageyama found himself very sleepy and he often took naps.

When Kageyama was awake, an ache tugged at his chest. He tried not looking towards the palace as much as he could because the simple sight of it brought tears to his eyes. Silently, Kageyama wondered what Oikawa could be doing, but he continued to remind himself that Oikawa was a prince. A prince that had duties to attend to. In simple words, Oikawa was too busy for him.

Kageyama lay awake in the night, watching the moon that would occasionally become covered by scattered patches of clouds. His heart was full of regret as he thought that he would no longer be able to see Oikawa. If only he was not hesitant in his feelings, Oikawa would know the love that he held for him. Kageyama promised himself that next time, next time for sure he would tell Oikawa. It mattered not what Oikawa’s reply was, he simply wanted his feelings to be known, hoping that it would soothe the ache in his chest.

Kageyama was so lost in his thoughts that he almost missed the quiet whispering of his name.

“Tobio!”

Kageyama sat up in the water, his clothing floating on the surface around him. He swam over to the pavilion and was shocked to see Oikawa leaning over the railing. As soon as Kageyama met Oikawa’s eyes he felt happiness glow within him. It had been so long since he was graced with the opportunity of being in Oikawa’s presence.

“Tobio,” Oikawa murmured. He leaned on the top of the railing, his gaze softening as Kageyama approached him.

Kageyama nodded, his heart beating so loudly that it was all he could focus on.

“I apologize,” Oikawa started, offering his hand to Kageyama. “My brothers would not let me leave the palace.”

Reaching out, Kageyama took Oikawa’s hand, allowing himself to be carefully pulled up and into the pavilion. His clothing dried immediately and he took a seat next to Oikawa who was sitting on the floor. Kageyama smiled at Oikawa.

“I am happy to see you once again,” Kageyama stated as he tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear. “Truly.”

Oikawa looked grateful. “I applaud your patience, Tobio.”

“Your father-” Kageyama started but regretted mentioning him after he saw Oikawa’s expression fall. He held his hands in his lap. “I am sorry.”

This time Oikawa shook his head. “I now reside as king over the kingdom,” he said, tilting his head back so he could look at the ceiling. “And because of my position, my brothers would prefer if I remained in the palace to attend to my duties.”

Kageyama had no words for Oikawa’s predicament and instead he slowly leaned his head on Oikawa’s shoulder.

Oikawa chuckled, bringing an arm around Kageyama’s side to pull him closer. “I missed you,” he whispered.

At that Kageyama had to forcibly hold his tongue from spilling out his feelings right there and then. Oikawa was going through troubles adjusting to his new position. It was not the right time to tell him. Closing his eyes, Kageyama whispered back, “I missed you, too.” _My heart yearned for you._

“That makes me very happy to hear,” Oikawa said, his arm tightening around Kageyama. “I will return to you then,” he started, tilting Kageyama’s head up so they could see each other. “At night.”

Kageyama nodded. “Please.”

* * *

 

The following nights proceeded with timely visits by Oikawa and Kageyama could not be more than happy by them. He still had yet to confess to Oikawa, but he sorely blamed it on how he was always swept up by Oikawa’s presence. It was always, next time for Kageyama. At this point, he came to the conclusion that he was simply happy that he was able to see Oikawa at all, being that he was now a king.

It was a bit chilly as Kageyama waited in the pavilion. He pulled the robe around him closer before moving to place his hand back on his lap but jolted in horror at what he saw. Kageyama put his hands before him, finding that for a moment he had forgotten how to breathe as the sight of being able to see through his hand shocked him. He held one hand palm facing forward to his face, but still, it looked as if he was fading.

Trembling, Kageyama tried to calm himself down, telling himself that it was simply a trick of the light, but deep down he could feel a change within himself. Before he could stop himself, Kageyama felt tears escape the corners of his eyes. He hurriedly wiped them away with his sleeve. The only thought running through his head was Oikawa. He wanted endless days with Oikawa to spend them carelessly as if they were granted eternity. The desire left him shaken and he could not help the flood of tears that came with it.

“Hello?”

Kageyama looked up, furiously rubbing his tears away. “Oikawa-san,” he lightly sniffled.

Kageyama was further shocked by Oikawa’s actions. Oikawa took a step back, regarding Kageyama cautiously. Confused, Kageyama waited for Oikawa to acknowledge him, doing his best to cease his crying.

“How do you know my name?”

 _What?_ Kageyama thought, but realization suddenly dawned on him. If he was disappearing, then he must be disappearing from Oikawa’s memories as well. He hid his face in his sleeves, feeling heartache course through his body.

“Oikawa-san, please,” Kageyama cried. “I am Tobio.”

The name seemed to shake Oikawa awake and he took a step back as he held his head.

“T-Tobio,” Oikawa mumbled. He blinked a couple of times before registering the figure in front of him. “Wait, Tobio?” he stated suddenly, rushing forward to kneel next to Kageyama. He grabbed Kageyama’s hands and pulled them away from his face, gently wiping away Kageyama’s tears. “Tobio,” Oikawa said with more conviction. “Why are you crying?”

Kageyama sniffled and repeated a mantra inside his head to stop crying. Even though he wanted to question Oikawa’s forgetful moment, he could not form coherent words. He settled for shaking his head, Oikawa’s hands warm on his face.

“Were you scared?” Oikawa wondered, pulling Kageyama into his chest and gently running his hand over Kageyama’s back. “Shhh,” Oikawa whispered, unsettled by Kageyama’s tears. “I am here now.” He buried his nose into Kageyama’s hair, his eyes noticing how frail the flowers behind Kageyama’s ears had become.

Eventually, after Kageyama had calmed down, Oikawa left back to the palace. Kageyama never ended up telling Oikawa why he was crying. He hid his hands the entire time together, fearful that Oikawa would become aware that he was disappearing. For as long as possible, Kageyama wanted to keep up the charade of being forever there for Oikawa. _For as long as possible._

It seemed that Oikawa was forgetting more and more about Kageyama. Kageyama remained alone at nights. It was as if the two seasons before, the two had not spent time together. Sleep constantly overtook him, so even if Oikawa did show, Kageyama was probably fast asleep, too tired to truly be bothered.

* * *

 

One day, Kageyama lay among what remained of the lily pads. The colors of the garden were dulling into browns and grays. The brilliant colors of green seemed to exist too long ago and Kageyama found himself barely able to create their image in his head. Before he could lull off to sleep, Kageyama heard a voice he had not heard in so long and immediately his feelings of adoration came flooding back.

Kageyama peered at the bridge, seeing Oikawa cross it, however, this time, Oikawa was not alone. Swimming back to the lily pads, Kageyama hid, though he still had a perfect view of the pavilion. He watched Oikawa enter it with the other man and he felt envy bubble up inside his chest, but he pushed it away. No, he was happy to just see Oikawa. Kageyama stayed hidden in the water that now sent a dull chill to his bones. He listened to Oikawa’s voice above.

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa laughed, pulling at Iwaizumi’s bun.

Iwaizumi sighed and brushed Oikawa’s hand away from his hair. “Stop calling me that,” he grumbled. “And act more like a king, you idiot.”

Oikawa smiled and lunged forward to wrap his arms around Iwaizumi. “Are you calling your king an idiot?” he asked jokingly, keeping a tight hold even as Iwaizumi struggled to get away.

“O-Of course!” Iwaizumi shot back, trying to detach himself from Oikawa. “Only an idiot would hug their guard!”

Kageyama wanted to be mad. He wanted to find anger boiling inside him, but the emotion was strangely absent. Sinking down to the bottom of the lake, Kageyama felt alone and cold. He felt an emptiness where there was once joy, but he smiled. Oikawa was happy with his new life as king and that was enough to satisfy him. The love Kageyama felt could be thrown away if his object of affection found their happiness.

* * *

 

The season was near changing. Kageyama could feel it in his very soul. For this last time, Kageyama pulled himself up to the pavilion. His body felt weak and mourned every movement that Kageyama forced it to make. He sat down and leaned against one of the supports, looking up and out to catch sight once again of the moon.

During the past few days, Kageyama had grown jealous of the moon. It had an existence that seemed eternal. It stood high in the sky during the day and shone brightly at night, illuminating the ground beneath it. If he were the moon, surely he could stay with Oikawa. The sad truth was that Kageyama was an ephemeral being. Kageyama’s heart felt broken, bruised, and battered beyond repair, it could do naught but allow a fresh flow of tears escape Kageyama’s eyes. He closed his eyes and pressed his face against the coolness of the wooden support, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Hello? Why are you crying?”

Kageyama opened his eyes and looked towards the entrance of the pavilion. Upon seeing Oikawa there, he could not help but cry harder. It was so unfair to be in this position, but he quickly blamed the situation on himself. He was the one to come into the pavilion in the first place. It was his fault. His fault only.

As Oikawa began to approach him, Kageyama threw out his hand.

“Stop,” Kageyama sobbed. “Do not come near me.”

Oikawa cocked his head in confusion. “Why? Are you hurt? Let me help you.” His eyes widened upon seeing that he could see through Kageyama’s hand.

“Leave,” Kageyama whispered, his demand barely heard by Oikawa. “Please.”

There was silence between them as Kageyama retracted his hand curling in on himself. It hurt so much. _Oikawa-san, I love you._ These were the words he wanted to cry so bad, but he knew now that even he were to say them, the ache in his chest would remain. They were useless, his feelings. It was unfair. It was cruel to feel this way and Kageyama blinked away his tears. _Why should I cry?_

“You are beautiful,” Oikawa murmured, slowly approaching Kageyama. “Please do not cry.”

Kageyama sucked in a harsh breath, the cold air stinging his lungs. When last had Oikawa said that to him? He could not remember. A beautiful tune played in his head, but then Kageyama found that he could not remember who played it. There was someone dancing, but that person’s face did not materialize in his mind. Yet, when he gazed at Oikawa, all he could feel was love.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I…love you…so much._

Oikawa took another step towards him, holding out a hand. “Please tell me your name,” he requested, smiling gently.

Kageyama forced himself to stand up and he stumbled back to Oikawa’s dismay. He returned Oikawa’s smile with a small one of his own while he shook his head softly.

“Forgive me, Oikawa-san,” Kageyama whispered, bowing at the waist before diving back into the water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter was really where I wanted to practice creating the feeling of angst. I wanted to create the feeling of longing and desperation of being in a love that could never be, and though I still need to work out some kinks...I think it's okay. I mean, I kind of felt sad, but not like heart-wrenching sad, so I will continue to better my angst skills... 
> 
> Also, I apologize for any mistakes! I'm in a hurry to finish all my stories as I move into my dorms next week and will be incredibly busy afterwards. 
> 
> Thank you for the support! The next chapter will be the last!


	4. Winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2a0MW9D_rw)is some music to fit the mood of this chapter. Please give it a listen as you read!

It was snowing.

The leaves had fallen from the trees. The grass had shriveled up and turned to ugly shades of brown. The red lotuses were already long gone.

Kageyama was cold. So cold. He shivered as he weakly gazed at the sky to watch the falling snowflakes land around him. The water was beginning to freeze over and Kageyama could feel himself sinking. The sky was crowded with gray clouds and there was a soft and a cold breeze constantly blew at his face. Something caught in the wind and Kageyama looked to the side just in time to see the petals of the lotus flowers in his hair fly away.

Kageyama smiled sadly to himself. This must be what the red lotuses had spoken of when they told of the terrible cold. He shivered and slowly turned to look at the empty pavilion. Kageyama long ago accepted the fact that Oikawa was not his and he could not be Oikawa’s. It was impossible.

A single tear escaped his eye as he sank further into the freezing water.

_It was impossible._

_This love._

Kageyama felt himself fully submerged, giving up and closing his eyes for the final time. Behind his closed lids, he saw only fragmented memories, but his feelings remained the same.

He loved Oikawa.

* * *

 

Oikawa found his feet moving without him knowing. For some reason, he felt panic rise in his chest and before he knew it he was outside the palace walking towards the water garden. His eyes widened in surprise because he had no idea that it was snowing. A chuckle escaped his lips. The seasons had passed by so quickly.

He found the cold tolerable and he strolled over the bridges as he headed for the shelter of the pavilion. Oikawa looked to the side and saw that his zither lay abandoned at one of the corners. He frowned. Hopefully, it still worked, or he would have to get a new one. Oikawa made a mental note to retrieve it before he left.

Leaning over the railing, Oikawa gripped his head as sudden pain came over him. He had a heavy feeling in his chest that kept telling him that he was forgetting about something important but he had no idea what exactly had slipped his mind. He cracked open one eye to glance across the frost covered lake that looked oddly peaceful. His hands moved back to hold onto the top of the railing as a solemn feeling took over the pain.

Oikawa was shocked when he saw a teardrop fall onto his hand. He raised his hands to rub his eyes and he found that he was crying. Smiling in confusion, Oikawa furiously wiped away his tears.

_Why am I crying?_

“What are you doing out here?”

Oikawa jerked around to see his guard, Iwaizumi, standing behind him. He wiped at his tears once more before smiling at Iwaizumi. “I do not know.”

“Hah?” Iwaizumi walked over to Oikawa and grabbed his arm, pulling it away from his face. “Did you come out here to cry?”

Oikawa shook his head because he could tell that Iwaizumi was worried. “I do not know why I am crying either,” he said half-heartedly.

Iwaizumi reached out and wiped away a tear from Oikawa’s face with his thumb. “It is cold out here. Come, I will walk you back,” Iwaizumi whispered, taking Oikawa’s hand in his as they left the pavilion.

* * *

 

Inside the palace, Iwaizumi took Oikawa back to his office where something made him halt. Oikawa walked over to one of his shelves where above it was a beautiful painting of the water garden. The scene was of the summer season and the water looked amazingly realistic.

“Did you paint this?”

Oikawa looked over his shoulder briefly to meet Iwaizumi’s gaze. He nodded his head slowly as he answered, “I…did.” His hand went to his temple. “But I do not remember when.”

Iwaizumi moved to stand next to Oikawa. He pointed at a figure in the painting before saying, “That person looks like a red lotus incarnation.”

Oikawa’s gaze followed where Iwaizumi was pointing. His eyes took in the beautiful figure that had bright, blue eyes and two long tendrils of black hair flowing into the water. The person was wearing a white robe and for some reason felt oddly familiar to him.

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa, smiling. “They say you are one of the luckiest people if you can meet one and that you will find the love of your life afterwards.”

Again.

Again, Oikawa found tears escaping his eyes.

“I wish that I could have met one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T-T I'm saaaad! It might just be me because I'm nearing that time of the month, though...XD 
> 
> This is it! Here, I left the ending very open, so you guys can interpret who said that last line or if Oikawa actually remembered. XD And big reveal! This fic was based upon the song Reminiscence of the Red Lotus, a Chinese Vocaloid song. I left the link up top, so please do check it out! I love the song and it's just so sad. It always brings tears to my eyes.
> 
> Well, with this I'm going to disappear for a while, so thank you to everyone who has supported me with my summer writing practice!


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